Funny Stuff

[jscheuer1]

HERE IS THE WASHINGTON POST'S MENSA INVITATIONAL WHICH
ONCE AGAIN ASKED READERS TO TAKE ANY WORD FROM THE DICTIONARY, ALTER IT BY
ADDING, SUBTRACTING, OR CHANGING ONE LETTER, AND SUPPLY A NEW DEFINITION.

HERE ARE THE WINNERS:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
   financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
   
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
   
3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
   lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
   
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
   
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
   bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
   little sign of breaking down in the near future.
   
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
   
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
   
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
   doesn't get it.
   
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
   
10. Osteo****osis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
    
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
    really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
    and it's like, a serious bummer.
    
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through
    the day consuming only things that are good for you.
    
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
    
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
    they come at you rapidly.
    
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
    you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

THE WASHINGTON POST HAS ALSO PUBLISHED THE WINNING
SUBMISSIONS TO ITS YEARLY CONTEST, IN WHICH READERS ARE ASKED TO SUPPLY
ALTERNATE MEANINGS FOR COMMON WORDS AND THE WINNERS ARE:

1. coffee , n. the person upon whom one coughs.
   
2. flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one
   has gained.
   
3. abdicate , v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
   
4. esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
   
5. willy-nilly , adj. impotent.
   
6. negligent , adj. answering the door when wearing
   only a nightgown.
   
7. lymph , v. to walk with a lisp.?
   
8. gargoyle , n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
   
9. flatulence , n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
   been run over by a steamroller.
   
10. balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline.
    
11. testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam.
    
12. rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
    
13. pokemon , n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
    
14. oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
    
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies
    up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
    
16. circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
    men.