I'm sorry, I couldn't read hardly any of that without laughing
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That must be my dazzling British wit ;)
This thread is fun....hehehe.
Regarding the post.. have you tried SSI (Server Side Includes) ?? It works perfect with HTML and CSS as long as your host server supports it.
You can read more about it on this website:
http://webmaster.iu.edu/tool_guide_info/ssi.shtml